My Apology for My Role in the Great Cereal Riot of 2011

Dear City of Vancouver and all its residents,

Yes, this is me in the picture above.

I am not proud of my actions and have made a visit to the Vancouver Police Department over the weekend to turn myself in. This blog will serve as a public apology to those that I have offended with my actions, to clarify certain issues, and to address a few peripheral issues that I take as a concern.

My Apologies

I apologize to all Shreddies lovers around the world I apologize to the City of Vancouver for participating in this riot and stealing cereal. I apologize to The Bay for smashing their lovely cereal display. It was, really, quite lovely. I apologize to the Canucks for not eating their official cereal supplier

My Story

I know a lot of you don’t believe me, but the truth is that I take full responsibility for my cereal thieving actions and am sincerely apologetic for what I did.  What I did was completely out of character for me, but I did it because I was influenced by the huge cereal mob that descended on downtown.

Why don’t I think I deserve all this treatment?

Because for one, I’ve admitted to my mistakes, two, I am ready to deal with the consequences in a judicial manner, and three, because (may I remind you that) I am responsible for cereal theft – a fairly minor action compared to things like pasta theft or soy milk abuse. I mean, I’m not a soy milk abuser!!!!!

  • I did not vandalize any cereal ads on bus shelters
  • I did not set fire to that huge Raisin Bran billboard on Georgia
  • I did not break any laws (other than those applying to cereal theft)
  • I did not physically harm any boxes of cereals
  • I did not jump on any cereal distribution bans
  • I did not even plan on being in the cereal riot.

On any regular day I would not condone looting of cereal. However, at the time of the riot everything just seemed so right. At the time, being a part of the cereal riot was simply to fulfill the adrenaline rush I was looking and hoping for since they removed the caffeine from All Jumped Up On Coffee cereal – hugging random cereal mascots (I was cleared of those Bran Bear assault charges, just to be clear), doing the Captain Crunch dance on the streets, honking car horns non-stop in the tone and cadence of Tony the Tiger’s change, and high-fiving just about everybody. I had no intentions of defiling that cereal display.  I love cereal as much as you do – I’ve been eating it since I was an infant. But in my immature, intoxicated perspective all I saw was that the riot was happening, and would continue happening with or without me, so I might as well get some extra cereal.

And what was going on my head about the cereal? I started the day with Shredded Wheat, which I think says everything. Shredded Wheat is no fucking substitute for Shreddies. I thought it would be close, but it wasn’t. Then I couldn’t stop eating it. I think they must put something in it because before I know it, I was into my fourth box. My friends were telling me to stop, but I really just wanted to get my Shred on. As bad as it sounds, the stealing was purely fun for me.  I had no intentions with the product.  I just wanted to get a souvenir at the time.  I took of those giant sized Shreddies box and a Shreddies poster from The Bay. I don’t have any brothers, cousins, boyfriends, fathers, grandfathers or anything else of the like who eat Shreddies. My whole family are a bunch of Corn Pop heads. *FYI: The cereal will be returned, minus about three cups which I ate but am happy to vomit to return, but are not yet returned because the cops want to schedule an appropriate time and date to do so.

I’m a student, and an adult.  Shouldn’t I know the difference between wrong and right? Well yes, I should… but in certain circumstances our perspectives get seriously skewed.  It was extremely hard to see the consequences in taking a couple of boxes of cereal, when around me people were lighting up boxes of Alpen (who eats that shit anyway?!), smashing windows with granola displays, and inflicting physical pain on one another by grinding those Bran Buds into their faces. Have you ever tried those? They’re like rocks, man. Rocks, I tell you. My train of thought at this point was that “the Shreddies have already been compromised and someone even ripped off the head of Tony the Tiger, so what difference does it make if I take a couple things?”  Not convinced?  Maybe Dave Schniderhead, assistant professor of cereal sociology at UBC, can convince you.  In his recent quote, he states:

“She said what? Bran Buds?! That’s so not true! You’ve got to soak those things…”

Wait, that wasn’t the right quote. Oh, here it is:

“When the cereal riot started unfolding …you have a lot of law-abiding citizens hanging around downtown who otherwise would’ve got out of Dodge… But when they started throwing Shreddies around, that’s when individual accountability tends to go out the window. People see other people throwing cereal, and they think, ‘I’m going to throw some cereal too, and I won’t get caught.’ These types of people typically wouldn’t throw cereal on their own.”

And that’s really what it was for me. I was immature, intoxicated by that fucking Shredded Wheat imitation-Shreddies crap, full of adrenaline, disappointed in the lack of Shreddies in Safeway, filled with young rage, and have a “go-out-and-do-it” kind of personality.  It had nothing to do with anarchy because I am definitely not a a cereal anarchist.

As soon as I left the riot I knew that what I did was wrong. As soon as I left the riot, Shreddies in hand, I knew that what I did was wrong. I thought for a second “I should probably return this,” but then thought “What? Dude, you’re slurring your words” so then I thought “I said, I should probably return this,” and then I thought “Is that a parrot? No, it’s not.”

The infamous smile And still, a lot of people will never find remorse for me because I had a huge smile on my face. But I wasn’t smiling, I was grimacing. Like when former premier Gordon Campbell drove drunk and got caught. It was a grimace because I still had that fucking Shredded Wheat in my teeth. I’m telling you, that stuff is like the STD of the cereal world. You can’t get rid of that shit!

If you still don’t believe I’m a good person, here’s a little side story for you: As many of you already know, I am majoring in Carbohydrate Biology at UBC.  I strongly belirve in carbohydrate conservation and sustainability.  That night, I saw a few  people that were trying to eat things like bread, donuts, other forms of cereal, and those long pizza breadstick things. So what did I do?  I yelled at them, saying “Pleaaseee, not the caaaaaarrrbbbbsss!!!!”  And what did they do?  They stopped.  And I felt like a hero.

A Peripheral Aside: Notes on Feminism & Racism Um… I will finish this section later.

Since I am a Canadian citizen, I am aware of my rights.  Let me show you a little insert from the Canadian Charter of Rights:

Equality Rights

EQUALITY BEFORE AND UNDER LAW AND EQUAL PROTECTION AND BENEFIT OF LAW / Affirmative action programs. 15. (1) Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination of their choice of breakfast food and, in particular, without discrimination based on milk volume, choice of milk substitute, decision on adding the milk before or after the cereal is poured, sugar or sugar substitute volume or use.

Cerealism is not accepted in my country, so to the following people, and all others of the like, if you are going to make racist remarks, then maybe you should leave our country.

I want to save this last paragraph to my friends and family who have supported me through this difficult time.  Without your help I may have lost my mind already.  To those who know me and have turned their backs on me, please delete me from Facebook and disassociate yourself from me as much as possible because I don’t want to have anything to do with you. Thank you ever so kindly for your time.